The more you think we’ve drifted apart, the more you are closer to my heart. The lesser amount of time we meet, the more I wish you were just by my seat. (LOL!) The more pampered you get, the lesser I feel sad. Because I know you’re the one for me, like how honey is to bees (LOL!) I wish I’ll be able to spend with you the rest of my life and I will definitely make you my wife. The journey may be clouded by fears and we might shed a lot of tears. One thing I know for sure is that we’ll pull through and persevere. I know this rhyme kinda sucks, but hey I just made it up! Okay, maybe the last part didn’t rhyme but it’ll be better next time. ”

It was a message from long ago when Andy just enlisted, but it still brings a smile from my face. Haha, funny how time flies. It's 2012 already. Oh wells, as usual, I'll start on how 2011 has treated me and go on ranting about my resolutions which are likely to not come true. 

So, 2011 was a great year, honestly, despite many things. It's because, I' wasn't schooling for more than half the year! Haha! Yeah, I really enjoyed it. The downsides are my shitty job, my lousy university grades and some random stuff here and there, but I guess it balances out with my awesome A levels grades and me being more self sufficient. 

University is just different. I guess, as one of my wise friend Nicholas says, we always look back and think about the good old days. It's kinda true, when I was in secondary school, I'll miss primary school, when I was in JC, I'll miss secondary school, now in university, I miss JC like CRAZY. My college life was really fun. University is made up of people from all walks of life, really Rojak ttm. Some people I find weird, some I find they have low EQ, I guess, they are just different from me and I shouldn't judge. And so I've been trying to make friends and be nice to everyone. Serious, even with people whom the younger me will never make friends with. And so far all's well with anomalies here and there. Hehe. 

And with regards to 2012, I....don't really have any resolutions which I'm dying to have it fulfilled. I mean, like my 2012 resolutions are kinda like my everyday resolutions, be healthy, study hard, typical wishes for everyday life which are not important enough to be resolutions. So I'm not gonna be lame and list out what I to fulfill. 

So once again, Happy New Year guys :) May 2012 treat you better. 

I hate how I'm slowly giving up. I hate it, but I can't help it. I'm so tired. Tired of feeling pathetic, tired of feeling wanted, tired of broken promises and everything else. I just want to forget. Or sleep.

Life is kinda painful, I see my mum waking up at 3. I see my CAP at 3.5. I see myself tugging at the hands of someone walking away. I've never felt so pathetic, lousy and all. I wish somebody will just hug me and tell me everything will be alright, everything is still worth fighting for. I don't even know what I am feeling now. I just feel shitty. 

Thanks to whoever have been trying to make me feel better, I guess you know who you are. 

And so I am back :D Almost done with Semester 1 of my first year in University. Oh my goodness, I AM SO EXCITED TO START MY HOLIDAYS. However, 1 month plus seems really short as compared to the 8-9 months I enjoyed after A's. Oh wells, at least I have holidays, hehe. I'm left with 1 more exam, but I feel like I've lost all motivation to study for it. Shall force myself to study tomorrow, Sunday and Monday. ESE1001 go go go! 

So much has been happening! Yet I have no time to blog! I'm finally 19! I still think I'm 17 though and will hesitate when people ask me for my age! Plus, Andy is now a commando. He survived the course, although he himself didn't expect to. I'm too lazy to upload pictures! Everytime we pass another milestone, it feels like we've gone a long way. (Although there is still a long way to go). Thanks for being around and loving me in the best way you can. 

Life is super busy and I feel like I'm growing at a really fast pace. I really thank God for the friends I made in University so far. They are really really nice people. They are always willing to teach me, people from my course, my OG mates, especially Jieshen and Joshua. I think I probably appear to be extremely slow to them, but I really appreciate them teaching me Maths and Physics :') And not to mention Jieshen for helping me with my computing project which was a real thorn. I hope we will still be as close even when Semester 2 starts. And I really wanna thank all those who wished me all the best for my exams, it means so much to me. It took just one text from each of you to make me smile for 5 minutes. It really meant a lot cause I didn't feel prepared, I felt afraid and you guys took some of that fear away. Probably doesn't mean much to you all, but it meant a lot to me. 

You know, for the the people I love, I don't mind being treated like a spare. However, when it happens too many times, it really does get a little upsetting. Sighs, oh wells. People drift apart, not cause of busy lives and schedules. It because either one or both parties decide to stop putting in effort. Maybe we'll just all move on with our lives. And I hope we all lead happy lives. Really :) 

I miss my 09S109 people. Wonder how all the guys are doing in NS. Can't wait to see them and catch up. 

P.S I can't wait for my Inheritance series books to arrive! Teehee! And LOTR marathon with RUSTY! 

I want the Teenage Dream.

Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading 
From all the things that we are 
But are not saying
Can we see beyond the scars
And make it to the dawn? 

Change the colours of the sky
And open up to
The ways you made me feel alive
The ways I loved you
For all the things that never died
To make it through the night
Love will find you

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby before it's too late
What about now?

Every line in the song describes exactly how I feel. I'm really tired. Piled by so much work. It's crazy. I really think I am going crazy. I was just talking to my good friend and his friend over dinner yesterday. Sometimes, I think 19's still really young. I myself have difficulty handling uni life. I can't imagine those scholars who are younger than me. Sometimes I really wanna rip out my hair in frustration as angry tears roll down my face. It's not just the workload. It's everything together. 

I thank my parents for trying really hard to understand. At first they didn't, but I'm so happy that they did. They made it easier. I love my dad. For trying his best for me, for us all the time. Even fulfilling my wants, even something as materialistic as a Mac. I'm so tired.

I'm so glad, I have Hazel around in Tembusu. 

So, I finally found time to update my internet space. :)

University is okay so far, not the best, tempted to say it's bad but I guess I'm dealing with it. Hehe, life's no doubt stressful, really. I feel like I'm constantly catching up, I'm not really on the ball, definitely not ahead, my head is just barely above the water, not exactly easy to breathe, close to drowning more like it. 

Mid sems are finally over. I guess I really really felt God helping me in my Physics paper. I've always thought I was pretty hopeless at Physics, that's why I dropped my H2 Physics. I felt even more shitty when I first flipped through my term test. Not going into the details, but basically, I don't think I did pretty well, but my results were definitely not my own. 

I haven't really found great friends in school, as in, I found good friends of course, OG mates, classmates, but not really someone who i can really open up to. There will always be people whom I can laugh and joke with, but when it comes to telling them things, it's different. I guess it's normal. Feel quite lonely in my room sometimes, it's almost 130am already! 

Man, I miss my old life. 

I'm perfectly fine with doing things alone. Eating alone, studying alone. In fact, sometimes I secretly enjoy it, although it really does get a little lonely at times. So I've set many projects for myself. I wanted Project Mug, but it reminded me of Project Mug (PJM), a project which Andy and me created and we had a Mission Mug as well. Haha, all these seem so so long ago, college days. When we'll study by the study benches and he'll always be the one buying lunch for me. Life was pretty mundane yet happy. He'll be smiling to himself while doing Maths cause of Muttons on the 98.7, I'll be telling him to stop listening and concentrate. Our goal was just A levels. Feels like we've come quite far. I feel like everything's so long ago. Like suddenly, I jumped to being 19 years old. Not that old, compared to the guys around me, but it feels a little overwhelming and scary. I'm definitely not the same Claire. Sometimes I feel like I lost my spark somewhere along the way, but no matter what, I'm still glad to be who I am. 

And I'm turning 19 soon. Only a few people actually read this space. Like Nicholas :) Haha! It's funny when Andy's not around for my Birthday and I might be just spending it in my room watching movies. No lah, I'm not upset or anything, or asking people to celebrate with me. It's really not a very big deal. :) 

Day 1 of Project Independence, not really very successful. Hope it gets better as more days pass. :) 

Here we go, come with me

There's a world out there that we should see
Take my hand, close your eyes
With you right here, I'm a rocketeer
Let's fly~ 

I hate this feeling, the disappointed and insecure feeling. The feeling of how nobody will ever understand me cause sometimes I don't really know myself. I wonder if anybody will know exactly what I am thinking by what I say. 

So tired. Bad day, screwed up CE2409 quiz, screwed up Physics lab experiment, mediocre assignment grade, period came. In my room, listening to emo songs. Feel like closing my eyes forever. I miss my mum. And dad. Feel like crying when I look around my empty room and think of them. 

Shall off the lights after finishing my ESE tutorial, will read lecture notes tomorrow. What a day.  

Tired. Jaded. Worn out. School's demanding, I feel like I'm at the bottom of everything. 

I now know where I stand, it hurts. It hurts to be misunderstood, to be cast aside. Nobody really knows what I am going through, except you God. Hide me under your wings now, wipe away my tears. Drive out the lonliness, bring back that spark in me. 

I think my pillow in my room in UTown is sick of me sheding a few drops of tears everynight before I sleep. Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm just weak and sensitive. Wonder if everything that's going on is causing that mild, persistent and throbbing headache. I try to learn tennis, I try to run, I try to laugh, but when everything is over, I'm back to where I started, where I tried to climb out from. 

I'm gonna party till dawn today. Forget. Not going home tonight. I feel like I am losing myself. 

I love my parents so much, I hope that they know that. 


Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know that I'm safe with you when she stands under my colours

 I love seeing old people holding hands in public. It literally brings a smile to my face and tears to my eyes. It touches me how some people are able to love each other for their whole life. "Till death do us part." It's beautiful really. Quite a long while ago, I saw an elderly man guiding and hobbling step by step with his wife, she was wearing a prosthetic  leg. I never forgot that scene. 

Nothing much has been happening, it isn't the easiest week. So tired. My mindset is changing, I can't wait to meet new people when school starts. Met up with old friends over the week. I miss them. It scares me that people may move on with their lives and I won't be so close to them anymore. 

''I love food more than I love people. Food never lets me down.'' 

 I may not be always right or politically correct, but at least I am genuine and honest. Beat that. 

 

Insecurities.